The One With the Double Date
by QueenElizabeth3andCourtJester
Summary: Percy asks Nico and Will to go on a double date with him and Annabeth. It doesn't go as expected. Or, more accurately, exactly how Nico expected it would.


**A/N: Okay, so I** **was going to sleep a few nights ago and I decided I should write a new fic and as I contemplated what it should be I got this image of Percy and Annabeth and Nico and Will going on a double date, and I was like** ** _yes_** **so here we are.**

 **WARNING: Okay, so this is a** ** _really_** **strong T rating. Like** ** _really_** **strong. So strong I almost gave in and rated it M. I'm telling you, there's really strong language and way too many sex references. Also one too many sex toys. But there's no smut or anything, just** ** _a lot_** **of references to it. Proceed with strong caution. And if you think I should change it to M, let me know and I will. Thanks.**

 **edit: I added an extra bit to the fic because the ending was just way too rushed. Thanks to the reviewer who suggested I do so!**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Nico didn't exactly know how he ended up here.

Well, he did. But it was quite a long story, a story that was definitely, one hundred percent not worth retelling. Actually, it probably was. He just _really_ didn't want to.

So, okay, there was no way that Will could have known that going on a double date with Percy and Annabeth would end this way, but Nico had. Boy, had he known.

Because how would such a date end besides on the side of the road in God-Only-Knows-Where, New Jersey, covered in water, paint and slime, and holding rainbow striped dildos? Well, Nico's were rainbow striped. Will had a pink and a black and Percy had two blue ones. Annabeth just looked angry.

Maybe he should start at the beginning.

 ** _[One Week Before]_**

Nico was peacefully sitting with Will inside the Hades cabin on a nice early September evening. The sun was bright, the birds were singing, all the crap and whatnot.

Will was telling Nico about one of the new members of the Apollo cabin, his expression and hand motions filled with excitement and Nico was probably giving him the worst heart eyes known to man. Like _Supernatural_ levels of heart eyes. Dean and Castiel at the end of _The End_ in season five kind of heart eyes. The really gross stuff.

Anyways, Nico was perfectly content to sit in his cabin for the rest of forever, exactly like this. Will talking, Nico staring, it was absolutely perfect. So of course it had to be ruined by a loud knock on the door.

Nico gave an over exaggerated eye roll, his heart eyes effectively ruined, and began to remove himself from his perch on the couch, grumbling under his breath. It was probably Jason, here to tell Nico to "use protection" or whatever and throw condoms in his face again. Nico was only fifteen, he honestly didn't know what Jason was expecting from him. Or where he got the condoms.

Will smiled up at him and pulled him down for a quick peck on the lips that Nico kinda really wanted to just melt into and kiss Will for days and days but another knock sounded from the door. Nico pulled away with another over exaggerated eye roll and headed towards the door.

At the door was not Jason—which Nico was really thankful about—but Percy—which Nico was not thankful about. Before Nico could say anything, Percy was sliding past him and into his cabin, not even waiting for an invite.

Nico turned toward him indignantly, basically ready to gather all his strength—he wasn't gonna lie, he is pretty scrawny—and remove Percy from the room, but Percy had a grin on his face. _The_ grin. The I'm-About-To-Ruin-Your-Life-And-Probably-Get-Us-All-Killed-But-Hey-It'll-Be-Fun-And-Make-All-Sort-Of-Memories grin.

Nico's eyes widened and took that as his cue to get the fuck out and scurried towards the door, feeling only a little bad about leaving Will, because hey, every man for himself and all that, but Percy was already in front of him, closing the door and standing in front of it.

Nico gulped. Percy's smile widened.

"Nico, you've always been like a brother to me," Percy began. This could not be good. Not at all. Not if he was going to try and sweet talk Nico.

"So?" Nico snapped. Anger was his only defense. Maybe his only way out.

"So, I care about you. Like a lot. Like an older brother cares for his little brother. Which also means that I firmly do not care that I am not you're type, by the way." Percy's grin dropped slightly when he said that, but he peeked back up almost immediately. "So, as a big brother, it is my job to evaluate those who _are_ you're type. Once again, not me. Because I am your brother. And brothers are not brothers' types."

Nico did not like where this was going. He definitely did not like where this was going. In fact, he would almost rather tear apart the fabric of time at that exact moment so he could avoid the rest of what Percy was going to say. He really did not want to know.

"And?" Nico asked carefully. He had to remain cautious at all times. Things were going to explode any second now.

"And," Percy parroted, his grin becoming so wide it looked like his face was going to split in half, "I want you and Will to go on a double date with me and Annabeth!"

Nico looked at Percy blankly. "No."

Percy's smile fell. "Yes."

Nico frowned. "No."

Percy's eyes narrowed. "Yes."

Nico fixed Percy with his best death glare. "No."

Will jumped in then, seemingly realizing that this was going to go on for a while and said, "We'd love to."

Nico turned his death glare on Will. He couldn't believe this. Betrayed by his own _boyfriend_. You couldn't trust anyone these days.

Percy's grin returned, and he chuckled under his breath, muttering, "Excellent". Nico found it oddly foreboding.

That was the beginning.

 ** _[Five Minutes After Percy Left]_**

"I can't believe you agreed!" Nico huffed, crossing his arms and plopping down on his bed. This was probably the worst thing to ever happen to him.

Will rolled his eyes and placed a hand on Nico's shoulder. "C'mon, Nico, how bad could it be?"

Nico's eyes widened and he jumped so badly he toppled off the bed. From the floor he shouted, "You jinxed it!"

"What?" Will reached down to lift Nico off the floor. If Nico hadn't of been so distressed, he would've taken time to be amazed at how strong Will was and probably would've done something embarrassing like swoon. But not was not the time.

"It was going to be bad before, but now you've just made it worse!" Nico explained desperately. He fisted his hands into Will's shirt. "Do you even know what you've done?"

Will just looked completely perplexed, if not a little frightened, but Nico continued, "We're gonna die. That's it. This is how it's going to end. I had hoped I'd go out in a blaze of glory, but no. No. I'm gonna die from Percy accidentally launching his fork across the table and impaling me in the neck. A fork, Will. A fork! I'm going to be killed by a fork!" Nico let out a deep breath.

Will still look confused, but pulled Nico into a hug anyway. He brushed his hand soothingly up and down Nico's back.

"You won't be impaled by a fork, Nico," Will assured him.

Nico put his head on Will's shoulder and muttered, "You don't know that."

Nico was absolutely positive his gravestone would say " _I told you, Will. And also, fuck you, Percy_ " on it. There was no other possible outcome to this.

 ** _[17 Hours Before]_**

Nico was not going to wear a tie.

Will was standing in front of him, dangling an ugly ass tie and giving Nico the worst puppy dog eyes ever.

Nico didn't really mind ties. Sure, he was more of a T-shirt and jeans kinda guy, but dressing up didn't really bother him. As long as he was wearing black, it didn't really matter what the article of clothing was.

But this, this was not black. It was a garish green color with blue and red flowers on it, entwined with each other all over the tie. It was literally the ugliest thing that Nico had ever seen and there was no way in hell Nico was going to put it on. Absolutely none. Definitely not going to happen.

"Please?" Will whined, wiggling the tie in front of Nico. His pout became more prominent and his eyes widened slightly.

Nico rolled his eyes. This was not happening. He didn't care that Will was giving him basically the most adorably sad face ever. It didn't matter. Not at all.

"No," Nico snapped, turning away. He shrugged on the black suit jacket that was lying on his bed.

Nico didn't understand why Percy insisted they go to a fancy restaurant. They're literally a bunch of reckless teenagers, fanciness and them didn't mix very well. And also, it just felt really ridiculous.

As Nico struggled to button up his jacket—the buttons were small, okay, that's not his fault, it's the friggin' suit company's fault—he felt Will's arms circle around his waist and his face burrow into his neck.

"Please, Nico," Will murmured, placing kisses along his neck. Nico squirmed slightly—he had a ticklish neck—and let out a sigh. He was doomed. "I'll even let you wear the aviator jacket."

"Yeah, okay," he finally agreed. He hoped his father wasn't seeing this. He would be so disappointed in him.

He could feel Will's lips form a smile against his neck, and let Will jerk him around and loop the monstrosity around his neck.

Alright, fine, Nico was going to wear a fucking tie.

 ** _[16 Hours Before]_**

As Nico and Will waited in the Hades cabin for Percy and Annabeth, Nico stared at Will. Like blatant staring.

No, Nico was not being weird or anything, he just couldn't believe how attractive Will was in a suit. And how much he wanted to take off said suit.

Nico internally smacked himself in the forehead. _Not gonna happen,_ he chastised himself, _you're fifteen. Call me again when your twenty. Okay, nineteen and a half, but that's as low as I'm going, you hormonal baby_.

Nico cringed when he realized his internal voice sounded just like Jason—he did not need flashbacks of The Talk Jason had given him—and Will gave him a funny look, but didn't comment, only taking a second to smile appreciatively at the godawful tie around Nico's neck.

Nico wanted to be mad at that, but the smile was just too fucking cute, like what the fuck? How was this boy so cute? It made him angry.

Will must have noticed Nico's frown, because he leaned over and planted a light kiss between Nico's eyes, right where his skin wrinkled when he frowned. Nico could feel a blush crawling up his cheeks and wanted to tear his hair out. This was unbelievable. Nico was a son of Hades, he should be able to withstand this... this... this... seduction!

Will took Nico's face in his hands and kissed him, his thumbs brushing along Nico's cheeks as he did so. Nico was pretty sure he was going to melt, or swoon, or both, but the door burst open with a loud, "They're not going to be doing anything, Annabeth, they're practically babies!"

Will pulled away, which Nico definitely didn't want, so he—embarrassingly, he might add—latched on to Will's wrists, holding them in place on his face.

Percy was grinning wildly like he knew exactly what he was going to be interrupting, and Annabeth was glaring furiously at Percy, a slight blush on her cheeks.

Nico dropped his hands like he had been burned and stumbled away from Will, tripping on one of the books he had strewn on the floor and falling on his ass.

He could already tell this night was going to be a total disaster.

 ** _[15 1/2 Hours Before]_**

Nico was pissed. And not pissed as in you-just-ate-the-last-of-my-favorite-cereal-and-I-wanted-it-you-fucker, but pissed as in you-just-kicked-my-dog-and-now-I'm-gonna-have-to-break-your-fucking-face.

Of course Nico couldn't just shadow travel them to the restaurant. Sure, it would've taken a big toll on Nico, but anything was better than this. _Public transport_.

Nico hated buses with a raw passion, and this bus was no different. Every surface of it seemed to be sticky. How did it even get sticky? Nico didn't want to know.

Everyone on the bus was annoying as hell. There was a kid two rows back playing too loud music. Three woman conversing and laughing too loudly. A baby crying too loudly. Percy kicking his fucking seat no matter how many times Nico told him to cut it out.

Not to mention the bus smelled like sweat and lost dreams. And the driver was sending looks at the four of them like they were gonna ransack the bus or something.

But the worst thing, the absolute _worst_ thing was this guy sitting across from Nico who kept sending these looks at Nico and Will's entwined hands. The guy should be thankful for Will holding his hand. If he hadn't been Nico would've brought down his son-of-Hades-wrath on the jackass.

There was a sharp kick to his seat. "Fuck off, Percy," Nico griped through gritted teeth. Was Percy trying to ruin his life? It certainly seemed it.

The driver shot Nico a suspicious look through the mirror which Nico ignored.

"Language," Percy admonished cheerfully. Nico could hear fumbling behind him followed by an "ow!" from Percy and a "serves you right" from Annabeth.

The kicking ceased. Nico was going to have to thank her later.

Nico glared at the seat in front of him and willed the ride to go faster so they could get there so they could leave so Nico could climb under his covers and never come out. Will squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile, which considerably improved Nico's mood.

Another kick to his seat. It was gonna be a long ride.

 ** _[15 Hours Before]_**

The restaurant was nice, Nico supposed. It's not like any of them could drink the fancy wine or champagne that most people were drinking, but Nico was considering stealing some from the neighboring table. He was going to need some alcohol to make it through this ordeal.

It was an Italian restaurant, which suited Nico just fine because he would still understand the menu. It was confusing why Italian restaurants even bothered putting their menu in Italian when most of the customers only spoke English, but Nico honestly didn't care anyway.

The only annoying thing was that Percy kept asking him to translate everything on the menu. Normally, he would deal with it, only because Percy didn't know Italian, but it was obvious that he was just fucking with him when he asked Nico to translate "ravioli" for him. Nico almost punched him in the face.

The waiter—apparently his name was "Luigi" which Nico found himself doubting. The guy even had one of this mustaches you see on all the Italian guys in the movies!— kept giving them odd looks when he walked up, asking, for the fifth time, if they were ready to order.

"Vaffanculo," Percy muttered, holding up a finger. Nico hid his grin behind his hand. The waiter looked offended.

Okay, maybe it was a little immature to tell Percy that "vaffanculo" meant "a moment" when it actually meant "fuck off", but hey, Percy dragged Nico here. He should have expected some form of payback.

Nico put on his best straight face and turned to the waiter. "Mi dispiace per il mio amico. Ha alcuni problemi di rabbia. Ci sarà solo un altro minuto." The waiter just huffed and left the table.

Percy wrinkled his nose. "What's his problem?" Nico just offered a smile and shrugged. Will shook his head.

The waiter came back a few minutes later, his eyes darting between all of them shiftily. Once they all ordered—Percy settled on ravioli, the bastard—Nico could see him pulling off his apron as he headed towards the kitchen, which was a little weird.

Percy leaned over and whispered something to Annabeth under his breath. She bit her lip, looking a bit uneasy and whispered back. Nico could see Percy moving his hand under the table, but couldn't—no.

"No way," Nico breathed, looking between the two of them. "No fucking way."

Will looked at him curiously, but before he could ask what Nico meant, Percy hopped up from his seat and said, "Bathroom!"

Nico couldn't believe this was happening. He could not _believe—_

"I'm going to use the bathroom, too," Annabeth announced, interrupting Nico's train of thought. She practically bolted from the table.

Will blinked. Nico gaped. They looked at each other.

Will cleared his throat. "Are they...?" he asked in disbelief.

Nico put his face in his hands. "Hopefully not," he groaned, "because if they are, I'm going to _kill_ Percy."

After all this, after everything Nico had been through, he could not believe that Percy and Annabeth had left them to go _have sex_. He couldn't decide if he was more angry, horrified or embarrassed, but he sure was a nice mix of the three.

"They couldn't be," Will assured him. "There's no way they'd do that." He paused. "At least, not Annabeth."

 ** _[14 Hours and 15 Minutes Before]_**

They were.

There was no other possible explanation for this.

By now, another waiter—this one was Marcia, thank the gods—had come by to refill their drinks, and their food had even come out, but there was still no sign of Percy and Annabeth.

And Nico was suddenly extremely tired. He didn't know why, but he was completely bushed. Will looked just about the same, his face slumped into his hand.

"Do you think they're even going to come back?" Will mumbled. He sounded just as tired as he looked.

"Who even knows?" Nico slurred. He was so tired, he could barely form a coherent thought. "They're probably just gonna leave us here to... to... to, I don't know, something or other." Nico's eyes closed.

"Guys!" Nico heard someone hiss. His eyes flew open. Percy and Annabeth?

Percy's clothes were torn in several places and one of his coat sleeves was completely missing. Annabeth was holding her shoes and her dress was covered in mud.

"That must have been some kinky sex you guys had," Nico found himself muttering, his eyes slipping back shut.

Percy started spluttering incoherently. Nico ignored it, beginning to drift off into sleep.

Annabeth clapped in his face. He jolted awake, his eyes wide, Annabeth looking rather pissed.

"We have to go!" she snapped, digging through her purse and dropping bills on the table.

She grabbed Nico by the elbow and lifted him out of his chair. Nico would've been impressed by how strong he was, but he was too tired to really care.

Will was getting up on his own, and was immediately grabbed by the elbow by Annabeth who then did the same to Nico, and began ushering them out, Percy hovering somewhere around them.

"You guys get caught having sex?" Nico got out, despite the fact his lips felt numb. He could see Percy's ears turn red.

"We weren't... _doing that_ ," Annabeth

ground out. "That waiter, he was... some sort of monster. Something I'd never seen before."

Nico was probably supposed to be shocked by that, but standing up was taking away all his effort.

"Didja kill it?" was the only response he could muster, trying to focus on keeping himself up.

"Yes," Annabeth answered. She shook her head. "He drugged us. That's why you're so tired. He put something in our drinks. Percy and I were like that before, s'why it took so long. You'll be better in a few minutes." She didn't look so sure of that.

The drugging part, Nico could believe, it was definitely plausible. What didn't make sense though, was them getting better so soon. Drugs stayed in people's systems for hours, sometimes days, the effects wearing off after such a short amount of time... it couldn't be possible. Which presented the question, what was going to happen to them?

 ** _[13 1/2 Hours Before]_**

Nico stumbled slightly, trying to stifle his giggles as Percy shouted incoherently and Annabeth and Will laughed.

Everything was _so_ great. This was the _best_ night of Nico's life. He couldn't think of _anything_ that could ruin this.

Nico face planted into the sidewalk, but his face was so numb he couldn't feel any pain. He started laughing uncontrollably.

"Hey," a voice Nico didn't recognize called. He looked up.

A guy, probably in his early twenties, wearing a leather jacket and a cigarette between his teeth, was looking curiously at the four of them, a grin stretched across his attractive face.

 _I want to lick his face_ , Nico thought to himself. Boy, did he want to. He had never seen a face more attractive than this guy's face.

"You guys look like you could use a little fun," he continued, his grin growing. Nico bolted up from the ground. Yes, he definitely wanted to go wherever with this guy.

Annabeth let out a loud laugh and had to grab a light pole to stop herself from falling over.

"Come with me," hot guy offered, walking towards a dark van parked crookedly on the side of the road. And, oh boy, did Nico want to come with him.

Ahem, what? Get your mind out of the gutter, that's not what he meant.

Nico practically ran after him. He couldn't be without his future husband.

He could hear the others giggling and shouting behind him, presumably following. During Nico's trek after hot guy, some old geezer opened up his apartment window and shouted, "Shut the fuck up, you stupid sons of bitches!" Nico heard Percy shout something rather derogatory back. Nico didn't know he had it in him.

Hot guy—Nico was now dubbing him "Mr. America"—threw open the back door to the van and slid in, shoving past a few other people in the car.

Nico practically jumped in after him, scooching up next to him and shoving himself in his side. Mr. America didn't seem to mind.

Her heard Percy and Annabeth laughing and assumed they were in the car too, not that he really cared, and felt Will bang his elbow into his stomach. He was numb down there too, and couldn't really feel it, though. Actually, he was rather numb everywhere.

Nico stared wistfully up at Mr. America, trying to catalogue every feature of his beautiful face. He never wanted to forget a single bit of of it, from his unruly black hair to his stubble covered chin.

He felt the car begin to move and lurked forward slightly, almost banging to a girl with pink hair and huge boobs. They were nice boobs though, and Nico almost felt compelled to compliment them. Sure, he was as gay as they come, but that didn't mean he couldn't appreciate a nice set of boobs when he saw them.

"You've got some great boobs!" Nico shouted at the girl over the loud metal music that was playing. She grinned widely at him. "I mean, I'm gay as fuck, but if I wasn't, I'd totally have a boner right now!"

The girl laughed and turned away to another girl, this one with orange hair, and began to make out with her, so Nico figured that conversation was done and turned back to marvel at Mr. America.

Mr. America was grinning down at him, and reached down to grab a box of cigarettes out of his pocket. He waved the box at Nico, a gorgeous smirk covering his even more gorgeous face.

"Want one?" he offered. Nico almost squealed because this man, the gorgeous, wonderful, beautiful man, the man that was the reason why faces were invented, was actually talking to him. Nico had to remind himself to breathe.

"Yeah," he squeaked, because turning down this guy was totally not an option.

The guy stuck the cigarette between Nico's lips and whipped out a lighter, taking several tries before getting the thing to light.

Now, Nico had never smoked before. He never even wanted to smoke. He was completely uninterested in ruining his lungs. But, Nico was not in his right mind, so the thought that he was probably going to choke to death did not occur to him.

The second Nico breathed in the smoke, he felt a whooshing feeling that he usually associated with shadowtraveling. He was completely fine though, plucking the cigarette out of his mouth to breathe out the smoke.

He looked up to grin salaciously at Mr. America.

Except Mr. America wasn't there. And there was no smoke in his lungs. And Nico _had_ shadowtraveled. And he was on the other side of the van, on Percy's fucking lap.

Nico broke out in a raucous laughter, rolling off Percy's lap and onto the floor. This was _hilarious_. He had shadowtraveled from smoking! The smoke made him shadowtravel! How ridiculous was that?

Nico climbed back into his seat, swinging his legs over Will's lap and burying his face in his neck. He supposed he should give Current Boyfriend some attention now so he didn't feel left out when Nico was being defiled by Future Husband later.

"You smell like a fucking fruitcake," Nico mumbled. He hated fruitcake. His nightmares starred fruitcake. Except not really. That was just a lie, they typically starred iguanas. What could he say? Those things were fucking scary.

"Yeah? You smell like you were just lit on fire," Will grumbled. Nico just huffed into Will's neck because hey, the bastard was probably right.

 ** _[12 Hours and 15 Minutes Before]_**

They were in some warehouse that was filled with people all screaming and dancing and banging on the sidelines.

The lighting was really bad, so Nico couldn't tell where Mr. America had gone, but he intended to find him. He wasn't going to get Mr. America to love him if he wasn't around him.

He saw Will laughing and surrounded by a bunch of girls and guys a like and held back a grin at how cute he was when he laughed. He shook his head. He couldn't think about Will now, he was on a man hunt.

He found Mr. America, covering Percy and Annabeth with an assortment of paints. Well, Annabeth was an assortment, Percy was just entirely covered in blue.

"Hey, kid," Mr. America called, waving Nico over. Nico almost swooned. "You want some paint?"

In response, Nico whipped off his shirt and called, "Just fuck me up!" He grabbed the black paint can and dumped it over his head.

There was paint in his mouth, and he was pretty sure he was blind, but he could hear Mr. America laughing, and, oh boy, did he have a cute laugh. Or maybe it was a sexy laugh. Was there truly a difference between a cute and sexy laugh except if the listener is horny or not?

But Nico was decidedly not horny—he's fifteen, you perverts—and deemed the laugh adorable as heck. He was surprised puppies and kittens weren't crawling out of guy's mouth. Maybe they were, though. Nico was currently unable to see from the paint in his eyeballs.

Sadly, that was when Nico was engulfed into the crowd. He dramatically put his hand out like in the movies, in the direction he believed Mr. America to be in, and shouted, "I'll always wait for you!"

He never did find out Mr. America's response.

 ** _[6 Hours and 19 Minutes Before]_**

Nico had never partied so hard in his entire life.

In fact, Nico didn't believe he had ever even partied in his entire life.

At some point, a massive amount of slime had been released from the ceiling, covering all the partygoers in it. And just when Nico had been recovering from his paint-induced blindness. Now he had slime-induced blindness. Would Nico ever be able to see again? Stay tuned.

Nico felt around blindly, trying to find the face of someone he knew. People didn't especially appreciate having their faces grabbed by some kid blinded by slime, but it's not like Nico could see their inevitable scowls. But he did hear their rather colorful cursing.

Eventually, Nico found a face he believe was Will, and pulled him into a kiss just to be sure of it.

It was not Will.

Yelled in to his ear loudly was a "I knew I was your type, fuck yeah!" from Percy, to which Nico blandly responded, "You would only be my type if I couldn't see you. And I can't. I can't see you. I'm blinded."

He could hear Percy beaming. "By my gorgeous looks?" he asked, obviously fishing for a compliment that Nico wasn't in the mood to give.

"No, from the slime, you dumbass. Now get me out of here before I get killed by the dance floor," he snapped. The dance floor was out to get him, honestly. It was slippery as fuck and he kept tripping and getting stepped on. Nico had thought that being blind would improve his other senses, not make him the clumsiest person in the tristate area.

"Okay, just stay here while I get Will and Annabeth. See you, babe," Percy giggled, pecking Nico on the lips, and Nico could feel him leave.

Was he kidding? "Percy!" he called over the music. " _Percy_!" There was no response, Nico was stranded. "Dammit." This is what he got for trusting Percy Jackson. He had to remember to never do that again. You'd think he would've learned by now.

 ** _[6 Hours and 1 Minute Before]_**

Nico was upset. For several reasons.

One, was that Percy had left him in the middle of the dance floor to be jerked around by a bunch of random strangers who couldn't keep it in their pants.

Two, was that he couldn't see. That just totally fucking sucked.

Three, was that he had still yet to seduce Mr. America, and it didn't seem like he was going to get the chance.

Four, was that because of number three, Nico wouldn't be getting laid tonight. Not that he wanted to. He's fifteen, stop looking at him like that.

Five, was that he wanted to get laid. Yeah, you heard it here first, folks. Nico di Angelo wanted to get laid. You win. After all this time, he's finally willing to admit it.

Six, was that he was fifteen and was way too young to get laid, but hey, it's not like he was going to get pregnant or anything. No one needed to know.

Seven, was that he was pretty sure he was high, because there's no other reason why'd he'd be so adamant on getting laid. He didn't know why he'd be high though. He didn't remember taking any pills or anything. In fact, he wasn't completely sure how he got to this place.

Eight, was that it had been a pretty long time—he couldn't tell how long because he couldn't see the time because, once again, he can't see—since Percy had left, and there was no sign of him.

Nine, was that this list was way too fucking long and Nico was tired of it.

Ten, was that—wait. Was that...?

"Hey," Nico could hear Percy's voice filling the loudspeaker, and the band had suddenly stopped playing. "I'm looking for a kid, about yeh high, with black hair, a permanently depressed look and a scowl to accompany it. Doesn't have good taste in men. Anyone seen him?"

Instead of responding, there was loud booing across the entire warehouse. Nico was tempted to boo, too. He didn't have bad taste in men. Mr. America was proof of that.

"Nobody?" Percy prompted, almost managing to sound slightly concerned. "Oh well, guess while I'm up here, I might as well just..." And then Percy was belting out the lyrics to the most godawful heavy metal song that Nico had ever heard in his life. He covered his ears with his hands trying to drown out the noise, but it was to no avail. Nico only wished that he was able to see so he could shove everyone out of the way, run out of this place, as far away as he possibly could, take up the simple life of breeding chickens and maybe growing corn, and never have to hear something akin to Percy singing heavy metal—of even just Percy singing in general—ever again.

The crowd didn't seem to mind, although Nico was pretty sure that nobody in the crowd was sober and therefore had no sense of judgement. Nico wanted to rip his ears off. He really wished he'd gone deaf instead of blind.

Nico thought the song was coming to an end, and that Percy would stop ruining sound for Nico, but, oh no, Percy did not want to extract himself from the goddamn stage and just kept singing, and singing, and singing, and singing, and singing, and _singing_ , and oh _gods_ , the gods must really have it out for Nico.

See if he ever helped save the world for them again.

 _ **[5 Hours and 37 Minutes Before]**_

Nico felt a hand brush along his ass and wanted to keel over. He couldn't believe this was happening.

Now, Nico wasn't exactly sure why he had been out in the first place, especially with Percy and Annabeth. He also wasn't very sure where they had met Mr. America. He also couldn't really remember his last name.

But there was one thing Nico was one hundred percent sure of. He was going to kill Percy... Percy... Percy Whatever when he got his eyesight back. That was first on his agenda. After seducing Mr. America.

Okay, Nico was in denial again. He did not want to bang Mr. America. Not at all. They were going to take their relationship slow, and have sex once Nico was of legal age. Don't have underage sex, kids.

It seemed though, that the hand on his ass was intentional because it felt like the same hand was moving along his chest.

"I'm gay," Nico blurted, hoping to stop the touch-y feel-y thing going on here. Unless it was a dude. Then he just made it way worse.

A deep voice laughed in his ear.

Mr. America?

"I thought you were interested," the guy breathed in his ear, and suddenly, Nico was not interested, in fact, the last thing he was was interested, he was definitely... what was it? Oh yeah, he was way interested. And apparently, so was his dick.

That was over sharing, apologies.

Mr. America took Nico's face in his hands and pressed their lips together harshly. Nico's head was spinning. He could feel Mr. America's stubble brushing against his cheek, his tongue sliding along his bottom lip. He was in heaven. He reached up to wind his arms around Mr. America's neck when he was suddenly jerked backwards.

He stumbled a little, trying to regain his footing, feeling around for anything to help him stay upwards. He could hear a scuffle going on from where he used to be standing and, for what wasn't the first time that night, wished he could see.

He heard Percy's voice over the speakers saying, "Hey, there's my cuz! It's been nice entertaining you all, hope to do it again some time." The band picked up again.

A hand clamped around his bicep and started dragging him away from where whatever was going on was happening. He could hear a door open and was engulfed in the cold outside air. Well, it wasn't that cold. He figured it was somewhere between fifty and fifty five degrees Fahrenheit, but Nico had no clue what month it was, so he couldn't be sure.

"What the hell just happened?" Annabeth growled, and Nico was almost surprised to hear it was Annabeth. Which was ridiculous, because who else would drag him out like that? Maybe a murderer.

"I can't see," was all Nico offered. It was true. He couldn't see. He had no idea what had happened.

Nico could feel Annabeth inspecting his eye. She rustled around a bit. There was a muttered, "this might sting" and she dumped water in his eyes.

"Fuck!" Nico yelped, rubbing at his eyes. It had worked, he could see again, but at what cost?

It was late, that was for sure. There were billions of stars littering the sky, and the streetlights were on.

"What happened in there?" Nico asked, when his question was answered by the arrival of Will and Percy.

Percy was dragging Will with him, and Will was nursing his hand in his other one.

"Did you...?" Nico trailed off when he realized the answer. Yes, Will had punched Mr. America in the face for kissing him.

Nico surged forward and kissed Will, because hey, if your boyfriend punches someone in the face for kissing you, you should probably kiss them. Or not? Whatever.

He could hear Percy making gagging noises next to them, and Annabeth whack him. He pulled away and opened his eyes.

It was good being able to see again.

 ** _[4 Hours and 58 Minutes Before]_**

They wondered through the streets for a few minutes, often stumbling, occasionally falling, this time no hot guy offering them a good time. Nico was mostly glad about this.

Percy slung an arm around Nico's shoulder and slurred, "You know what I think?"

Nico didn't want to know, but couldn't help giggling, "What?"

"I think, I think, I think, I think, I think," Percy mumbled, "we should do something _exciting_!"

Nico giggled again. "Like what?"

Percy shrugged. "Become looters, rob a bank, join the circus, kill the president, I don't _know_ , I just think we should _do_ something."

"Really fucking helpful," Nico muttered, pulling away from Percy.

Percy made a loud cooing sound and hurried towards Nico, putting his arm around his shoulder again.

"My little cousin just cursed!" he exclaimed with a huge grin. "My tiny, baby cousin, Nico just cursed!" Louder, he yelled, "Did everyone hear that? He just cursed!"

Nico made a sound of disgust and pulled away again. Percy was so fucking annoying.

It was like Percy heard him cursing in his head. He started cackling, but this time didn't try to catch up with Nico.

What Nico really wanted was chocolate. He had the weirdest craving for it. He didn't know why. In fact, Nico wasn't even the biggest fan of chocolate. He was much more of a salty person, rather than sweet.

No, that didn't have a double meaning, back off.

He wasn't sure why he was even walking down this street with Percy, Will, and... and... the blonde girl? What was her name? Nico wasn't entirely sure. Actually, he wasn't sure at all.

He shrugged it off. They probably weren't that close.

"Hey!" Percy called, and Nico's head snapped up. What was Percy yelling about now?

"Look over there!" Percy was pointing enthusiastically across the street at some store. Nico could barely make out the name of the shop, but when he did, his face lit up in a smile. Unbelievable.

Sex Toys "R" Us.

Wasn't the most original name, but still, a sex store? Incredible.

The Blonde Girl was giggling and hiding her face in her hands, Percy mumbling something to her and trying to pull her across the street. Will was already halfway there. Nico rushed to catch up with him.

It occurred to Nico that he probably couldn't get into a sex shop. He wasn't quite sure what age he was, but he didn't feel like an adult.

He could hear Percy following behind him with a still giggling Blonde Girl.

He caught up with Will and was suddenly struck with the realization that he had no idea who Will was. Was he Nico's best friend? Percy's little brother? Well, he doubted that one. They looked nothing alike. Was he Nico's boyfriend? He doubted that one, too.

Will was hot. Very hot. Which is why Nico highly doubted he was his boyfriend. Nico didn't have the best luck... he guessed. He wasn't sure about that either. He wasn't really sure about anything.

It was a strange feeling to be so unsure. He wasn't even entirely sure he was awake. He kinda felt like he was floating. Or at least his head was floating. He felt lightheaded.

He continued to drift across the street, Percy and a giggling Annabeth, as Percy had called her, followed behind him.

He was pretty sure going in to a sex shop wasn't the greatest idea, but somehow knew it wasn't the worst decision he had ever made.

He had a feeling he made a lot of those.

 ** _[4 Hours and 27 Minutes Before]_**

At the door to the sex shop, a man was standing there, looking bored out of his skull. Upon further inspection, it seemed the guy was actually sleeping with his eyes open.

The four of them walked straight passed the guy and right in to the shop. Nico was almost surprised it was open since it was the middle of the night, but he figured people needed sex toys at all hours of the day. And people _were_ more likely to have sex in the middle of the night.

The shopkeeper looked surprised at the arrival of four teenagers that were dressed in formal attire and covered in slime and paint, but shook his head and didn't comment. He had probably seen worse.

Nico picked up a long, slick, black whip and giggled, whipping it. He giggled louder at the sound it made.

He heard Percy shout, "Dildos!" from across the room, and Will exclaim, "I want one!" in response. Nico pouted. He wanted a dildo.

He rushed over to where Percy was. The entire wall was filled with varying types of dildos in different colors and sizes and with different features. He grinned and Percy shoved a rainbow one at him.

"Rainbow is _so_ your color," he told him firmly. "Gay pride and all that. Gotta stay proud, my young grasshopper." He ruffled Nico's hair.

Percy paused and seemed to consider something and added, "Take another one." He shoved another dildo at him. Nico giggled. He had two rainbow colored, plastic dicks in his arms.

While Percy looked over Will and insisted that black was _totally_ his color, Nico wondered over to Annabeth who was looking at something on the wall on the opposite side of the store.

She was holding a huge, bright pink butt plug with a slight grimace on her face.

"How are you supposed to fit this up your ass?" she stage whispered. Nico shrugged and picked up an even bigger blue one.

"I think you have to stick a watermelon up there first. Just stretch the whole thing out in one go. And 'sides, after you've put a melon up there, every thing else just seems small in comparison," Nico suggested, inspecting the plug. Annabeth nodded in agreement, before her eyes widened at something behind Nico. She hurried over to it and Nico followed.

"Look at this!" she yelped, pointing at the swing. Nico's eyes widened and he tilted his head. How were you even supposed to use the thing?

No, Nico was not going to describe it. He's not here to give you descriptions of sex swings. There's an actual story here, you know.

"Try sitting on it," Nico suggested, leaning forward to get a better look. It didn't look much different up close.

"No way," Annabeth giggled, but she didn't look that opposed to it. Just as Nico was about to insist she do it, Percy and Will walked up, dildos in hand.

"We should go," Percy suggested, "things to do, people to see." Annabeth nodded in agreement, but gave a longing look towards the swing.

At the register, the cashier looked a bit unsure of selling them six dildos and a butt plug. Nico hadn't wanted to buy the butt plug, but he had forgotten to put it down and the cashier charged him for it. He dropped it in the pocket of his aviator jacket, along with like fifteen condoms that he had gotten at the desk.

You could never be too prepared.

 ** _[3 Hours and 17 Minutes Before]_**

They had been walking through the streets for quite a while, dildos in hand, and covered in muck which was beginning to set in. All the energy had seemed to have been drained out of the four of them. They were no longer laughing and giggling, but dragging themselves along, their eyes drooping.

"Maybe," Percy yawned loudly, "we should get on a bus and," he yawned again, "go home." Nico nodded immediately. He didn't know where his bed was, but being in bed sounded like a wonderful thing.

"Yeah, alright," Annabeth agreed. She yawned, and nodded towards a bus stop at the end of the block. "I guess we can wait for the bus there."

Nico had no idea how he would make it to the bus stop without falling asleep, let alone wait for the bus. He hoped it would be there soon.

 ** _[3 Hours Before]_**

Somehow, the four of them managed to stay awake till the bus came.

Or well, kinda. Percy kept beginning to dose off and Will, Nico, and Annabeth would have to try to wake him up. They weren't very successful, but they managed to do it. Percy was a very deep sleeper.

They trudged on to the bus, Percy practically throwing the money for the ride at the driver. The driver looked annoyed and a little worried by them, but closed the doors to the bus and drove off.

There was one other person on the bus. A kid was sleeping in the back of it, his clothes ragged. Nico would've felt bad for him, but he was just too damn tired.

He adopted the same position as the kid and drifted off into sleep.

 ** _[20 Minutes Before]_**

Nico woke up to the sound of a voice insisting he get off the bus because it was the "last stop". Nico would've rolled his eyes if he hadn't just woken up. Last stop to what? He was in his bed at Camp Half—wait. No he wasn't.

His eyes shot open. An angry bus driver was right in his line of vision and he nodded numbly and got off the bus.

He didn't recognize where he was, but his head hurt like hell and he was hugged two rainbow dildos to his chest. And he felt really dirty.

Will, Percy, and Annabeth looked in similar shape. They were on a suburban street in who knows where.

"New Jersey," Will suddenly said. They all looked at him. "The license plates on all the cars say "New Jersey". I'm assuming that's where we are."

Percy wrinkled his nose. "I feel like shit," he mumbled. He looked behind him, and a lightbulb seemed to go over his head. He closed his eyes.

All of a sudden, Nico was being drenched in water, coming from a fountain in the front yard of the house they were standing in front of. He glared at Percy who just shrugged apologetically.

"I thought it would clean us off," he explained. Nico glared at the ground. He had known this would happen. He was so going to rub this in Will's face. He would never hear the end of this.

 ** _[Present Time]_**

So, that was it. The entire story of how they ended up in New Jersey with dildos and a mess of disgusting liquids covering them.

The campers at Camp Halfblood had to be wondering where they were. They were going to be in such big trouble when they got back. Probably. It didn't really matter to Nico anyway, he'd never really cared about their opinion there anyway.

"So," Percy started, "what do we do?" Nico sighed.

"I could attempt to shadowtravel us back, but in the state I'm in, I'd probably be unconscious for five days afterwards," Nico ground out. He had already resigned himself to it.

It was going to be the best five days of his life.

 _ **[Several Minutes After]**_

The entire camp seemed to have been waiting for them.

Nico was dead on his feet, barely even able to stand up. He was only able to because his super awesome boyfriend was holding him up.

Everyone stared at them in slight shock, taking in their appearance. Nico dropped his dildos self consciously.

"What the fuck happened to you guys?" Travis Stoll piped up, a grin lighting up his face. Katie whacked his shoulder and he winced, rubbing it.

After that, they were bombarded with questions. Shouts of "Where'd you go?", "What's with the dicks?", "Why are you covered in slime?" "Do you know how _long_ you've been gone?", "Why didn't the rest of us get to go?" and "Is Nico dead?" stopped Nico from slipping into unconsciousness. He willed his eyes to search through the crowd and saw Chiron nearing them, a stern expression covering his face.

Mr. D seemed to appear out of nowhere next to them and everyone went silent as he said, "I smelled alcohol?" He looked at the four of them in something akin to surprise. "You're not wine." He rolled his eyes and left.

The questions came pouring out again, this time with even more demand and Nico had finally had enough.

"How about you all fuck off!" he snapped, willing his legs towards the Hades cabin.

He made it about three feet before his legs gave out and he face planted in to the grass. He heard Chiron ask about Nico's well being before Nico just gave up on the whole awake thing– who even invented that anyway?– and conked out right there in the grass.

It felt nice.

 ** _[Five Days After]_**

He had only been unconscious for three days. He felt cheated, but it was better than having to be awake for those three days.

Nico was lounging in the Hades cabin, his black bed much more comfortable than that bus had been.

For once, Nico was content.

Will was never going to go on a double date with Percy ever again, and apologized for insisting they go the first time. Nico had accepted it, it had been a rookie mistake.

Now, Nico was cozy in his aviator jacket and his bed was just so damn comfy. He couldn't let it go. He hadn't properly appreciated his bed before The Disaster, as he referred to it.

There was a knock on the door, and Nico groaned. This was the last thing he needed.

He reluctantly pulled himself off the bed and opened the door.

Jason was there, a frown on his face. Nico held back a groan. He hoped he wasn't here to give him _another_ sex talk. He wouldn't be able to take it.

As tempted as he was to slam the door in his face and go to sleep, he gritted out, "What do you want?"

"I heard you went on a double date with Percy and Annabeth," Jason stated. Nico nodded warily. He didn't like where this was going.

"Well," Jason continued, a grin forming on his face, "I was wondering if you'd like to go on a double date with me and Pip— Nico?"

Nico had shoved passed Jason and was running away as fast as he could, his aviator jacket flying off in his rush to escape.

Jason picked up the jacket confusedly. There was huge bulge in one of the pockets, and he reached inside. His eyes widened.

There was a huge blue butt plug and a horde of condoms inside of it. Jason pursed his lips.

He turned and bolted after Nico.

"You're not ready, Nico! We need to talk about this!"

But Nico had already hidden himself in the one place Jason wouldn't look. The Zeus cabin.

"Not today," he murmured to himself, "not today."

Today, Nico wasn't going to listen to anyone but himself. And himself said that going on a double date with Jason and Piper would be an awful, _awful_ idea.

He was inclined to agree.

* * *

 **A/N: ok! so there we go! this only took me a month to complete! and it's the longest thing i've ever written in one go! go me!**

 **so this fic. i realized halfway through that probably should have made a multi chapter fic, but it was too late by then. i wrote this fic in so many different situations, it's crazy though. at 2:00am. while i was watching the x files. when i was supposed to be watching friends (currently and the reason for the title). listening to halsey (also currently). when i was very sick. when i was bored. but i finally decided that i needed to finish this fic at like 12:40 and now it's 1:40 and i still need to post it. i'm v tired. that's why the end is kinda rushed.**

 **also, this is way longer than i intended. i usually don't write more than 2k words. there was just too much to write though. all of a sudden i had 4k words written and i was only halfway there. i only wish i had made it to 10k. oh well.**

 **but thanks for reading! if you could take three seconds to leave a review, i would appreciate it _so_ much. thanks again!**


End file.
